Family vs. Self

Lately, I’ve had this feeling of “get off my balls”. I forgot what this feeling felt like because ever since my first host family got wifi at the house, I didn’t have to do any of my facebooking, skyping or personal emails at school. Now that I’ve moved and once again school is the only place where I have wifi, I have everyone all over me in the teacher’s room. The concept of privacy does not apply in Indonesian culture, I guess because if you don’t want people to see what you’re doing then you wouldn’t do it in a communal area. So really it’s not their fault I chose a communal area. The thing is it’s not only the teacher’s room; everything is communal here. Indonesia is a country and culture focused on community and family. Perhaps there is also the big city-small town mindset that applies everywhere around the world. Small towns and rural areas are more focused on family and community whereas more urban areas are focused on the individual. I haven’t lived in the big cities of Indonesia to confirm nor deny this.

Maybe it is more of a truth to say that people are people, and some people are family-oriented and others are self-oriented. I’m not sure which I am, I’d say at this point in my life I am certainly self-oriented, but there was a time when because I was living at home I was family-oriented because it was part of my responsibilities as a dutiful daughter. I’m sure had I decided to stay close to home I would be more family-oriented but I think I chose to be far because I wanted to focus on myself and see what my life would be like if I didn’t have to arrange my schedule and my life around my family. I’m happy with the decisions I’ve made and how they have helped me grow as a person.

Sometimes I think back to the days when I would be carrying Adney around with me from Art Club, Track practice, Interact Club, African American Awareness Association and Video Yearbook meetings and it seems like another life. My little brother was just as much a member of my high school community as I was, he would wait for me in aftercare or when the bell rang and his tiny scrawny self would walk back with me to my high school through autumn, winter and spring. My junior year, I was President of the Interact Club and every year we would help Mid-Island Rotary with the turkey drive. We would go to a bunch of houses in the projects and deliver a box of food for Thanksgiving equipped with a turkey. It was a weekend, but my mom was working so I had Adney that morning, it was before I could drive so we took a few buses to the warehouse and I forgot to pack a heavier jacket for Adney in his spiderman backpack. I remember feeling horrible that I had forgot so when we got off the bus he wore my track sweatshirt which ended just before his ankles. We got into the warehouse and he was sitting cozy being pampered by all the moms and he would help pack some boxes or ring bells when we went home to home. He was a real champ and a real brat sometimes but he was definitely a people person that much came natural to him. I feel like those responsibilities I had to my family at a young age are similar to those of my students, the difference is I was able to leave home and create a life for myself separate from my family and the Sri Lankan community I was raised in. My students don’t have the luxury of that choice; many of them may not want it. Going from having a community and a family to be independent are frightening especially in this culture. Married women are afraid to travel by themselves. Women who aren’t married yet are afraid to do anything by themselves. Young married couples still have to answer to their in-laws before making decisions and if not their parents then the patriarch of their family. This idea of independence does not exist in my village yet.

PCVs have to live with a host family in Indonesia throughout our service because cultural integration otherwise would be difficult and we would likely be ostracized further if we weren’t associated with a family. They already think there’s something wrong with me for wanting to move because I wanted to be “more independent”. I was doing laundry one morning in my old homestay and I had a conversation with my ‘Bibi’ who acts as a nanny and housekeeper. She was talking about how girls need to be hardworking and always helping or they will make horrible wives one day. She was talking about her own daughter who likes to be ‘lazy’ and ‘lazy’ seemed like a funny word to describe her since first thing Sunday morning she’s doing laundry, cleaning the windows, sweeping and mopping the floors and helping her mom every day. She would want to go on a run or a bike ride with me but once I would be able to she would be too tired or still busy with chores. Her younger brother is also ten years younger than her. It just seemed silly that here I was reading a book while doing laundry or on my laptop while she was running around cleaning. I felt so out of place and to continue sitting there filling this image that I must have come from a much higher background that isn’t accustomed to doing house chores or working seemed hypocritical.

There are empowered women, but they are in short supply. So many of my students have that spark and I want more than anything to see their potential be fulfilled. My area is known for girls getting married at seventeen and I’m more concerned for my students in high school who are only in search of their MRS because that is their be all end all. I see it far more with my tenth graders and a handful of eleventh graders, one can only hope that as time passes their dreams also mature with some guidance from their female role models. They definitely don’t need me around to be empowered by women because the women I work with serve as inspiration for me everyday. Perhaps it’s simply having the choice to be family-oriented or self-oriented.