Thanksmoving Day
Tomorrow is a very important day, it's moving day, but more importantly it's Thanksgiving Day.
As I sit in my room of 4 months, in the house of my host family in Cikedung, I'm overcome with thoughts and emotions that I have yet to confront. When I first mentioned moving at school, everyone was shocked. Before I told anyone, I told my host parents and although disappointed they were not surprised. Everyone could sense that I was sad but I had dug myself so deep that I didn't realize how depressed I was until coming back to my site after IST. The past few weeks have been nothing short of stressful, so stressful that I haven't slept more than an hour each night and for 2-3 weeks I was sleeping in the teacher's room at school in between classes and before English Club. I tried reading about volunteers being depressed in the Peace Corps, aside from a few select blogs from RPCVs there's no mention of it anywhere. That's what's to be expected though when you're isolated. I use the term isolated very loosely because as a PCV in Indonesia, on the island of Java--the most populated island in the world, it's hard to feel alone but at the same time it's inevitable. It's inevitable because you are the foreigner and everybody is still trying to understand you and it doesn't matter how long you've been here because you're still trying to understand them too.
Thanks to support from Peace Corps staff, I'll be moving to a temporary homestay until I figure out where I want to stay more permanently in the new year. Giving me a month to get to know prospective families before I make a decision. This past week, the sun has been shining a little brighter and everyone has been commenting on how much happier I seem and that's because I am. I'm not moved out yet and my head may not be clear but I'm seeing the light.
Last Saturday, I went to visit a brand new madrasah (religious middle school) with all 18 students and then the kids from the neighboring elementary school joined us. The atmosphere was like being in a NYC inner city public school, but I loved it and I loved them. I finally found the school where my host mother is the principal and a new path to other villages in my community. Later that day and weekend, I spent most of my time with a new Catholic family I met earlier last week. I went to church for the first time in 8 months and I was in awe with how different the culture was just with the difference in religion. It was a nice change to my usual routine.
My week was also accompanied with lots of little reminders of why I am grateful to be here. After 4 months, my popularity has grown. Because I'm not a token American, my school wasn't parading me around, I don't have people lining up to take pictures with me which I know gets old for a lot of volunteers but I wished I had opportunities like that to help me integrate into my community and get the awkward ice breakers over with. It took awhile, but I ride my bike down the street and random people on motorcycles will now honk their horns and say "Mbak Amanda", the elementary and middle school kids get out and on their walks home from school they call "Ka Amanda" in unison, the farmers and the construction workers and the food vendors I see everyday now call out "Bu Amanda" and my face always lights up with a smile as I yell "HIII!" back at them. That small acknowledgment that people now know my name made me realize maybe I am making more progress here than I thought.
I'm grateful to my host family for guiding me through my first months at site but I'm looking forward to these next steps where I can be more independent and start anew. So tomorrow, when all my friends and family back in the states are surrounded in each other's company, turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie; I will be sitting in my new room and thinking about all the opportunities I have ahead of me in these next 19 to 20 months. So that's what I'm grateful for, time. Time to heal. Time to learn. Time to engage. Time to be happy.
Time aside, I have a lot of great friends and I'm grateful to have them near and far. My world would be empty without them, so thank you for being true.
As I sit in my room of 4 months, in the house of my host family in Cikedung, I'm overcome with thoughts and emotions that I have yet to confront. When I first mentioned moving at school, everyone was shocked. Before I told anyone, I told my host parents and although disappointed they were not surprised. Everyone could sense that I was sad but I had dug myself so deep that I didn't realize how depressed I was until coming back to my site after IST. The past few weeks have been nothing short of stressful, so stressful that I haven't slept more than an hour each night and for 2-3 weeks I was sleeping in the teacher's room at school in between classes and before English Club. I tried reading about volunteers being depressed in the Peace Corps, aside from a few select blogs from RPCVs there's no mention of it anywhere. That's what's to be expected though when you're isolated. I use the term isolated very loosely because as a PCV in Indonesia, on the island of Java--the most populated island in the world, it's hard to feel alone but at the same time it's inevitable. It's inevitable because you are the foreigner and everybody is still trying to understand you and it doesn't matter how long you've been here because you're still trying to understand them too.
Thanks to support from Peace Corps staff, I'll be moving to a temporary homestay until I figure out where I want to stay more permanently in the new year. Giving me a month to get to know prospective families before I make a decision. This past week, the sun has been shining a little brighter and everyone has been commenting on how much happier I seem and that's because I am. I'm not moved out yet and my head may not be clear but I'm seeing the light.
Last Saturday, I went to visit a brand new madrasah (religious middle school) with all 18 students and then the kids from the neighboring elementary school joined us. The atmosphere was like being in a NYC inner city public school, but I loved it and I loved them. I finally found the school where my host mother is the principal and a new path to other villages in my community. Later that day and weekend, I spent most of my time with a new Catholic family I met earlier last week. I went to church for the first time in 8 months and I was in awe with how different the culture was just with the difference in religion. It was a nice change to my usual routine.
My week was also accompanied with lots of little reminders of why I am grateful to be here. After 4 months, my popularity has grown. Because I'm not a token American, my school wasn't parading me around, I don't have people lining up to take pictures with me which I know gets old for a lot of volunteers but I wished I had opportunities like that to help me integrate into my community and get the awkward ice breakers over with. It took awhile, but I ride my bike down the street and random people on motorcycles will now honk their horns and say "Mbak Amanda", the elementary and middle school kids get out and on their walks home from school they call "Ka Amanda" in unison, the farmers and the construction workers and the food vendors I see everyday now call out "Bu Amanda" and my face always lights up with a smile as I yell "HIII!" back at them. That small acknowledgment that people now know my name made me realize maybe I am making more progress here than I thought.
I'm grateful to my host family for guiding me through my first months at site but I'm looking forward to these next steps where I can be more independent and start anew. So tomorrow, when all my friends and family back in the states are surrounded in each other's company, turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie; I will be sitting in my new room and thinking about all the opportunities I have ahead of me in these next 19 to 20 months. So that's what I'm grateful for, time. Time to heal. Time to learn. Time to engage. Time to be happy.
Time aside, I have a lot of great friends and I'm grateful to have them near and far. My world would be empty without them, so thank you for being true.
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