Second Wind

Earlier this week, I got to speak to my Thaththi (dad) and just a few minutes ago I read an email from my Ammi (mom). I've always been independent even when I was younger my parents had rules for me but I was independent in the sense that I had a lot of responsibility at a young age. After I was 17 and left for college in DC, I told my parents that the summer after freshman year would be the last time I lived at home and I kept that promise. From Staten Island, NY to Washington, DC is 222 miles. Those 3 months after my freshman year in 2009 was the longest I lived at home since I graduated high school. 

While I lived in DC, I talked to my parents probably everyday at least once a week and that distance made our relationship stronger. While I lived in DC I saw them 3 times a year, one week over the summer, one week for Christmas and New Year's and they would visit me on my birthday. My freshman year, I was part of a living and learning community and everyone on our floor became friends very quickly and soon it became cliquey. I'm not a cliquey person and I'm usually on the outside. I tend to have better relationships with my elders, supervisors and mentors instead of my own peers. I was far from home and my parents worked with my roommates to plan a surprise party on my birthday to remind me that I was loved. That's what they do, they take the time to bring a piece of home back to me when I feel a little lost.

Through a number of my own challenges, I eventually found my way and am grateful to have amazing people to call my best friends. I always had a full plate, that's how high school was and it continued during college. I had just finished managing volunteers at a Student Union Board concert from 10am until 2am and at 2am I had a late night desk shift from 2am to 8am. At 8am I had lost it. I was waiting for the next person to take over until I realized that I promised to cover their 2 hour shift. By 9:36am I had called my dad in tears still working my desk shift and venting all my frustrations and saying I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. My parents were getting ready to drive to DC to make sure I was ok and they would have but I begged them not to because I was ok- I was just tired. 

When I was working in Sri Lanka, I was 8,760 miles from home but Sri Lanka was familiar. There wasn't a day that passed where I didn't speak to my parents but even more so because I was by myself I was an "ambassador" for our family to my parents friends, my dad's reputation and our family still living there. I didn't feel far from them, I was looking for a lot that summer but I was also trying to re-discover my purpose in life. 

When I lived in Australia I was 9,935 miles away but I had my mom's family to support me. I was living in Sydney while they lived in Melbourne and Brisbane but they were but a short plane ride and call away if I needed help and they did help. I was never so sad to leave anywhere than when I left Australia. I spoke to my parents often through skype or phone calls because my schedule was more flexible that timing was in our favor and they didn't feel far.

Now, I'm a Peace Corps Volunteer in Indonesia and I am 10,103 miles away from my parents. For the first time, I could not feel further from everyone I love. DC, Sri Lanka and Australia have something in common aside from having the support of my parents, I made long-lasting friendships- not acquaintances but people I plan on keeping in my life. I make personal investments in the people I consider my real friends, the ones I keep close and I will go to lengths for them. Those friendships though are created from that mutual understanding of loyalty, respect, and honesty. I didn't realize what one of my friends meant when they said you're not just a peace corps friend, you're a real friend...until now. I was searching for that support and love I had in DC, Sri Lanka and Australia through my fellow volunteers and I thought maybe if I invest and believe in them then they will be my safe place. Sadly, I was wrong. Some people click and some people don't click, you can't force that but you can be open to others. 

Right before IST, the wifi chip on my iphone burned out, so I no longer had pictures, or use of my apps which made keeping in touch harder. I was simultaneously having trouble with my homestay that was personally affecting me and not creating an environment where I felt comfortable. Lastly, the phone I bought after my first one got stolen, would die after I sent two text messages (that's with a brand new battery). Needless to say, aside from my laptop and wifi which I am SO grateful to have because most do not- I was going through a hard time and I genuinely missed home so much that I didn't want to call my parents because I knew it would make me cry. After a month of not talking to my parents, my mom sent me an email and I told her that I was sad. If you know me then you know I never tell people when I'm sad, I suck it up and may confide in one or two people. 

Saying the words "I'm sad" to my parents is like sending them an atomic bomb, they go straight into protective mode and try to find out who they have to beat up. My dad had already looked into flights, but they just paid my brother's tuition. As I was talking to my dad on the phone, he reminded me that I'm "sensitive", especially when I feel betrayed by people I consider my friends. Then he reminded me that I have "guts" that's his favorite word to describe me. My mom who is where I get a lot of my characteristics from as well even though I predominantly act like my dad, she reminded me that not everyone is like me. It seems obvious, everyone is different but that's the other thing not everyone will see me the way that I see them. Sometimes I am too trusting of those around me and it leaves me vulnerable when I decide to trust others. My mom said people do cruel things and they say cruel things to us or about us, but we don't have a choice because we still have a job to do.

I missed home and I tried to fill the gaps with people who I thought would understand me. What I keep forgetting, the whole title of this blog, the reasons why I am the way I am. These are the chronicles of an outsider. It's never easy feeling like the outsider, but being an outsider isn't my weakness-it's my strength. Just like my mom said I still have a job to do. My job is about my village, my school and my students- my "job" is about Indonesia. I know that I may not see Peace Corps the same way as everyone else, but I was silly to think that what I was missing was being American and being around Americans. Sometimes it's nice to speak English with Americans, wear my "American" clothes, eat American food and indulge in being an American but only sometimes. Everything is a balance, every few months of living like an American might work for me but it'll be different for someone else. What makes me happy are my students, having random conversations with neighbors about life in America, having inside jokes with my colleagues at school and as frustrating as it is convincing another Indonesian that I am American. 

My service is about the personal investments I make in my community everyday and somehow I forgot that. It's not easy, nothing about Peace Corps is easy. Nothing about approaching people especially when you are the only foreigner is easy. Being an American of color is not easy. Trying to get along with over 50 other people who have similar mindsets and also happen to be in the same position as you is not easy.

No one chooses Peace Corps because we think it's going to be easy. It's the opposite. We choose Peace Corps because we are still searching for something, because we were looking for something more, because we wanted to help people, because it's an experience, because it's better than being in a cubicle. Everyone has their reasons but nobody thought this would be easy. 

I may miss my family and my friends more than ever before. Living in Indonesia may be frustrating some days. I may not understand everything or everyone around me all the time. But I'm ok and I'm looking forward to the sukas (highs) and dukas (lows) that come with my service... because that's what I signed up for.