Readjustment:The Struggle is Real

It's been 46 days since I landed at JFK and heard the words "Welcome Back to America" from the immigration officer. I didn't realize how much time had actually passed until I just counted. For the past few weeks, I've been telling people I got back two weeks ago. Those two weeks added onto another two weeks and another two weeks. 

In April, the PCVs in my group were at our final conference one where we prepared for the end of our service. There was the administrative details, saying good-bye to our communities, final reports, tying up all loose ends and then of course looking to the future with job opportunities and reverse culture shock. During the panel from Returned Peace Corps Volunteers, we listened to the experiences of other volunteers and their processes through readjustment. 

Readjustment is difficult. Not impossible, but difficult all the same. I left a village in Indonesia that fully accepted me and loved me all the more for it. They brought out many of my better qualities and a lot of the uglier individualistic characteristics that were bred into this city girl disappeared. Adaptability is a gift and a curse. Just as quickly as I was able to adapt to Indonesia, it's sadly become just as quick for me to revert back to qualities I found unnecessary and soul draining. 

I think it's taken me 46 days to realize that this is not temporary, this time around I'm actually staying in America for the foreseeable future. I haven't even unpacked my suitcases. I'm struggling to regain relationships that I left behind some 3 years, others 7 years ago and find common ground where maybe there no longer is a foundation. Every time transitioning becomes difficult I begin looking at more opportunities to leave again, but this time I know I'm only looking because I'm trying to run away from a familiar place that has become foreign. 

Peace Corps Volunteers spend 27 months sacrificing their lives, integrating themselves into local communities, and representing Americans in a better light to the best of our human ability. We also spend those 27 months missing America, the simple comforts of home, our family and friends and through a long service of reflection and increased self-awareness we return to a world that doesn't understand that same void that we felt while away. 

I find myself wanting to reconnect with everyone in Indonesia but the thought of speaking to them again scares me because that means this is real. I did in fact leave Indonesia and everyone I love there behind. I acknowledge I'm a coward for not being able to pick up the phone and call just yet.

Transitioning back to America is hard, trying to find a balance and answer questions about my service in three words is difficult, what's even harder is not being able to discuss and share my experiences. Eyes glaze over and the mocking begins because it's beyond comprehension. Empathy is lacking because the only ones who have a small understanding of what it means to come back to America are the ones who are also currently or have in the past been abroad for long stints. I'm grateful that I still have allies from Peace Corps, although we are scattered thousands of miles across America we still manage to be a support system for each other. 

46 days is long enough. I know I'll still be going through daily ups and downs of navigating my life back in America, rekindling friendships but more than anything it's time to start moving forward. Looking into the possibilities ahead of me and enjoying my present. Proactively staying positive through the ideals and values of Mahatma that often brought me peace of mind. Creating a new balance between my various perspectives and trying to project kindness and gratitude that I'm able to lead this life of privilege.